where to go from here?

I have went back and forth about going back to therapy. My thoughts for today on this is,…I am not so sure it would really help anything or anyone inside. When I was recently going through some memories and the PTSD, was really in full force, So I started looking for a therapist. As things have calmed down a bit. I am glad I didn’t get a therapist because I think all it would have done, would be to make things worse. So as for now, I don’t think therapy is needed.

I am not exactly sure what made things so difficult, but if I can find out and be sure of what it was, I can avoid it from now on.

As for those inside, because of the PTSD, everyone is, scared and confused. It will take some time for them to understand and realize that they are safe, but it will happen, with some reassuring.

I don’t know what is going to happen…

I don’t know what to do, I know I  need to go to therapy.  Yet, I  have some problems to figure out,  if it’s to happen.

Even coming here, is difficult.  I am afraid, why I am not able to discuss any of the problems, discussions, actions that is, mentally, emotionally and physically going on right now.  I  find it quite scary. 

Even if I would start therapy again, I am in such a state that I  don’t know how to handle getting a therapist who didn’t know anything about D.I.D. and I  really  don’t want that to be one of our first few therapy sessions, talking about the others. I want that to be a gradual process. The problem with that is,  the state of things, the PTSD,  the switching,  never mind the awkward getting to know you stage, I mean how do you handle that, when things have gotten so our of hand at times?…

Ahh, maybe I can put going to therapy off for a bit,  at least until I can get things back to “normal “, what ever that is. Even if I  did go back to therapy, I  am not sure what I want from it anymore. I know it sounds strange but it’s like I feel too vulnerable to go into therapy again. I  just don’t know what is going to happen, I am not sure what I want out of therapy anymore.  Maybe therapy really won’t change much, maybe I just need to find a way to live a life that is just accepting this is what my life is always going to be,  with any luck,  have it just be the   “sometimes”  part of my life?

Ahh, maybe I can put going to therapy off for a bit,  at least until I can get things back to “normal “, what ever that is. Even if I  did go back to therapy, I  am not sure what I want from it anymore. I know it sounds strange but it’s like I feel too vulnerable to go into therapy again. I  just don’t know what is going to happen, I am not sure what I want out of therapy anymore.  Maybe therapy really won’t change much, maybe I just need to find a way to live a life that is just accepting this is what my life is always going to be,  with any luck,  have it just be the   “sometimes”  part of my life?

I’m just not sure what to expect.

I know it’s been a bit since I have posted. Unfortunately, a couple of things have happened, that has made it more difficult for me to post. One of those things is, my stomach has been giving me fits, second, the depression has also made a lot of things more difficult.

As far as everything else, it has been extremely difficult  being here alone. With the PTSD, being active, it is extremely difficult to feel safe. With my sister being sick, especially for as long as she has been in  the hospital and then the nursing home, almost a year!…she has always been our safety, the person who protected us, gave us feeling of safety, I have NEVER been away from her for that long.

The, Littles have felt it the most, and of course nights are the worst, even taking a shower is an EXSTREAMLY difficult thing to do. I am so so grateful she is getting out of the nursing home tomorrow!!!.

So we just have to get through tonight and I pray…pray, things will get back to some sort of   normal. Otherwise I don’t know what to do to make things better. Honestly it scares me how things have gotten, and I don’t know what to do to make anything better.  It scares me, that there might be nothing that will make it better. So I pray, my sister getting out of the nursing home, will be the beginning of things getting back to what is normal for us. We will see, God help us.

So now what?

On a friend suggestion, I TRIED to go back to therapy. The PTSD had gotten bad, and none of my coping skills were working.

I don’t know if it wasn’t supposed to happen, or it wasn’t supposed to happen with this therapy center or what, but every time I tried to make a appointment, something would go wrong. It would be the counseling center would mess up the dates, or have me down for the wrong type of appointment. I tried three different times, so I gave up. I don’t think it was meant to be, or at least with that center.

As far as the PTSD, I have my good days and my bad days with it. I don’t know if it will stop, once my life gets back to some form of normalcy, for me, or not but I hope so, because right now, I haven’t felt like going or doing anything. I don’t know if it’s the medication I’m on for the spasticity or depression or a mixture of both, either way…I hate it. People say to me, “just get out some and you’ll feel better, it will do you some good “. It never does. I just wish the pump could be filled to the amount I need it to be so I could get off the oral Baclofin, and Tizanadine. I’m on such a large dose, no wonder I don’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere!!!.

I miss my favorite T… and I need to see her so badly right now, but it’s impossible and it breaks my heart.

I know IF I go back to therapy, I can’t compare the new T to her, but that doesn’t mean I have to settle for just anyone. What makes it hard for me is trying to find a therapist who deals with D.I.D, without telling her, that’s my life, at least not right off. Honestly I would rather have her figure it out on her own.

Any thoughts or suggestions, anyone?

I don’t know what I am going to do…I just know I am tired.

Thank YOU GOD!!

 I  know religion isn't a good topic for some who have abuse and or D.I.D...for various reasons, I  don't mean to diminish or disregard anyone with this post, in anyway....that being said, I  will rarely post about religion, with the exception of talking to people who have had experiences related to their  abuse, good and bad experiences..and my own experiences with religion as it pertains to our issues dealing with abuse issues...that being said...

My sister’s life was saved today by the Powerful hand of GOD the ALMIGHTY LIVING GOD!

She has been so very ill since January. It all started with her foot getting infected with mersa, then it spread to her spine. She fought this infection since January, even with a surgery, trying to get all of it out of her body. She just kept getting more ill. So she was sent to another hospital and again she underwent another surgery. This time, Dearest God answered all our prayers. He healed her. I just talked to her, so sounds SO MUCH BETTER!!!! I even talked with her, physically she’s not in pain, she even got Up and was ABLE TO STAND AND SHUFFLE!! I ABSOLUTELY KNOW GOD ANSWERED OUR PRAYERS…THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH GOD!.