06
Nov
16

Whispers…

I am hearing small whispers of some inside. I don’t know if it is because I am home, or because we are trying to come to terms with how things are, and may be permanently. What I do find strange is, the ones I am hearing is the little ones. Maybe they need some reassurance, or they have something they need to say. I will just need to see.

I know there aren’t any followers to this blog but that I believe is my fault because I haven’t kept up with it. If this blog helps no one, after I do a better job at keeping it up to date. Then it will be closed.

02
May
16

What to do next?

Well as I had said in my previous post,  since sesure, the broken hips, hospitalization. I have been trying to live my life as it is now. I can’t find the words that could completely encompass all the ways my life has been changed. It truly frustrates me to no end to know either the EMS company dropped me while transporting me to the hospital braking my hips, both hips, then, of course they didn’t document it, so they will get away with it. Secondly, my experiences at three different hospitals, one treating me like I was just drug seeking and sent me home, to another hospital  nurse telling me an I quote “If you don’t stop screaming we’re going to send you home without nothing. In which, they did just that. So for three days I set in my power chair  not being able to move, (not even able  to the bathroom) have my hair combed, fed. All I wanted was for the pain to stop. To make matters worse, my Baclofen Pump had also quit working! I just wanted to die. 

So what does this all have to do with the divided?…

Ever sice I was in the hospital, what it did to the ones inside, the things that happemed while in the hospital, caused such pain, not just the excursating physical pain, but because my hips, both hips mind you, were broken I had very, very limited movment, I had others doing EVERYTHING for me. Bathing me, wiping me, moving me. It all was nessacery but at a huge cost to ALL of me. It triggered me so very badly. I has nightmares every single  night, sometimes 3 to 4 a nite. The panic attacts got so much worse, flashbacks started again. If all of that wasn’t bad enough I did the one thing, the ONE thing I swear to myself I would never EVER do tell anyone about the abuse from my other family member. Breaking my hips didn’t just break my bones, it broke me. It completly broke down all my defenses. Controll is a very big thing, for me, I believe it is for most of US. Yet I, laying in a bed for months, felt I had no control over anything, I could not even get out of bed. I slipped into a depression so badly, at one point, when I was finally able to set up in a wheelchair I plotted ways to commit suicide. What saved me? three things, my sister, son ,grandchildern, the doctor in charge of my care (at the nursing home/rehab hospital).putting me on anti-depressents, anxiety meds. Yet, even months after getting home I still had nightmares an axiety attacks, there still seems to be no real peace, what is worse I don’t know how to get to a place, where I can be at peace, continent, or happy again. What is even saddesr yet, I will have, literally seconds where I will feel like my old self, and all it does is show me how bad things are, and how far I am from happiness, or even a so called life, and I have no way to get back to who or what I use to be,

26
Mar
13

suggestions?…please?

I don’t know why or what is going on with the ones inside, but I am just so very scared, even as I write this I’m shaking, all I want to do is go hide in my room, (which makes it so very hard to even post to this blog. I don’t know how to calm the fears or even know what the fears are related to when no one will talk…sigh…suggestions?

27
Jun
09

A long way to catch up. . .

I know it has been awhile since I have posted to the site, there are several reasons  for this happening. One of the reasons is that  I have been healing from a neck fusion surgery that I had to have done on Jan, 13. Another reason I haven’t kept up with the blog is after the surgery I have had an overwhelming problem with my memory. The surgery did fix the problem with my neck, but in the process the anesthesia messed with my memory. Now, my short term memory is so horrible. I can not get through my  day without repeating the same question or conversation ( my poor family an friends). So every day I would start to come here, I would go  to get my coffee and forget  that I  was coming here to explain what my…our life  is like when shared with many, with D.I.D.

So lets hope this entry is the beginning of many more to come in the days ahead.

                                                                                                            Divided

                                                                                                                     

12
Jun
09

losing my sanity?…

Where do you even start?….when it comes to explaining what it feels like losing your sanity?…

Tonight..(morning) I am all over the place. I have went from wanting to self harm to wanting to crawl up in a corner an hide (trying not to break in to,) The feeling of wantiong to cut has been overwhelming. It has been building for days and tonight came to its boiling point, and I have to say this is the worst it has been in a very long time…

I guess the reason for that is a body memory a flashback that I just can’t fathem,I can’t  believe it is true.  Yet this takes so much out of me, that  I don’t know what to think. Did it happen? No why am I having this I don’t  no…because it lessens the guilt?   Maybe..next the explaination of this flashback.

11
Jun
09

Updated….the present therapist

Well`, things have been difficult, but more about that in my next post, ( I have alot of catching up to do).

B, my therapisr retired. It has been a couple of years now, and I can’t put into words how much I  miss her.  Even now, it aches, and I t hink it is an ache I will have for the rest of my life.

B, did so much for me. She gave me a place I could go, where jt was ok…really, ok, to be however I was, whoever I was. She gave me a safe place. a safe place to tell things  had never told anyone, a safe place to release secrete, to release pain I had carried most of my life. She not only gave me a place, but for the first time in my life, I had someone  help me let the pain out. How do you thank someone who gives you such?

B, was kind, gentle, fnny, and almost as stuburn, jf not as stubburn as me. Binni truly cared about her clients. I will always…. miss her, I think I will  always have this ache.

Now on to the present therapist.

She is completly different therapist then B, but of course she is because she is a different person.

b.y  is the “new” therapist well not so new because it has been a year 15 months since b retired. an this therapist came into my life. an even though I have had this therapist for 15 months I am still unsure about this relationship. I guess I am continuing with her with therapy because she is one b referred her, an  I am trying to hang on to the last little thing of my old therapist, an two because I have no where else to go. I still need the help, tonight..in spades I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel so on edge, I feel like bursting into tears, I feel like cutting, I feel like crawling in a corner…I m all over the place…

one thing for certain is im scared what is happening to me…an scared I can’t control it or that it can’t be fixed.

11
Jun
09

Pain in the neck?

This post was written on Feb, 3rd 2009 at 10:28 am, but becuse I was healing from the surgery it never got posted, You may be asking why post it now? well s I write this I am having a scary thing happen, my memory is failing me, to the point I thought I was having or have had a mini stroke, an went to see my doctor who has had me going to the hospital having test done, which I am going to do tommorow.

My doctor doesn’t know, but I am scared, scared my memory isn’t going to come back..I just don’t know what to do..I so pray these test explaine someting, an something simple to fix….

how does this effect the ones inside..I dont know I think everyone has went into hidding..but at this moment I know nothing an understand less.

 

as I write this I am  laying in a hospital bed recovoring from neck surgery,  The  surgery went according to  plan. Yet, I do wish the surgion  had given me more information  as to whst to expect after I woke up.  I couldn’t move my head but slowly that is improving.The surgery I had was called a cervical laminectomy with fussion. This is where bones were removed from my neck and a “cage is put were the place were the bones once were. All the bones in my neck were removed even though before the prosedure there was only suppose to be c7 to t1 but once the sugion seen just how bad the damage to my neck had gotten, that the  x-rays didnt accuratly show just how much damage     there was that he took c3 to t7. so now as I type this the healing begins. As i said though  i wasnt prepared for my arms to be this weak my entire body to be weak or the nubness or how lonf it will take to heal..a year