I don’t know why or what is going on with the ones inside, but I am just so very scared, even as I write this I’m shaking, all I want to do is go hide in my room, (which makes it so very hard to even post to this blog. I don’t know how to calm the fears or even know what the fears are related to when no one will talk…sigh…suggestions?
I know it has been awhile since I have posted to the site, there are several reasons for this happening. One of the reasons is that I have been healing from a neck fusion surgery that I had to have done on Jan, 13. Another reason I haven’t kept up with the blog is after the surgery I have had an overwhelming problem with my memory. The surgery did fix the problem with my neck, but in the process the anesthesia messed with my memory. Now, my short term memory is so horrible. I can not get through my day without repeating the same question or conversation ( my poor family an friends). So every day I would start to come here, I would go to get my coffee and forget that I was coming here to explain what my…our life is like when shared with many, with D.I.D.
So lets hope this entry is the beginning of many more to come in the days ahead.
Where do you even start?….when it comes to explaining what it feels like losing your sanity?…
Tonight..(morning) I am all over the place. I have went from wanting to self harm to wanting to crawl up in a corner an hide (trying not to break in to,) The feeling of wantiong to cut has been overwhelming. It has been building for days and tonight came to its boiling point, and I have to say this is the worst it has been in a very long time…
I guess the reason for that is a body memory a flashback that I just can’t fathem,I can’t believe it is true. Yet this takes so much out of me, that I don’t know what to think. Did it happen? No why am I having this I don’t no…because it lessens the guilt? Maybe..next the explaination of this flashback.
Well`, things have been difficult, but more about that in my next post, ( I have alot of catching up to do).
B, my therapisr retired. It has been a couple of years now, and I can’t put into words how much I miss her. Even now, it aches, and I t hink it is an ache I will have for the rest of my life.
B, did so much for me. She gave me a place I could go, where jt was ok…really, ok, to be however I was, whoever I was. She gave me a safe place. a safe place to tell things had never told anyone, a safe place to release secrete, to release pain I had carried most of my life. She not only gave me a place, but for the first time in my life, I had someone help me let the pain out. How do you thank someone who gives you such?
B, was kind, gentle, fnny, and almost as stuburn, jf not as stubburn as me. Binni truly cared about her clients. I will always…. miss her, I think I will always have this ache.
Now on to the present therapist.
She is completly different therapist then B, but of course she is because she is a different person.
b.y is the “new” therapist well not so new because it has been a year 15 months since b retired. an this therapist came into my life. an even though I have had this therapist for 15 months I am still unsure about this relationship. I guess I am continuing with her with therapy because she is one b referred her, an I am trying to hang on to the last little thing of my old therapist, an two because I have no where else to go. I still need the help, tonight..in spades I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel so on edge, I feel like bursting into tears, I feel like cutting, I feel like crawling in a corner…I m all over the place…
one thing for certain is im scared what is happening to me…an scared I can’t control it or that it can’t be fixed.
This post was written on Feb, 3rd 2009 at 10:28 am, but becuse I was healing from the surgery it never got posted, You may be asking why post it now? well s I write this I am having a scary thing happen, my memory is failing me, to the point I thought I was having or have had a mini stroke, an went to see my doctor who has had me going to the hospital having test done, which I am going to do tommorow.
My doctor doesn’t know, but I am scared, scared my memory isn’t going to come back..I just don’t know what to do..I so pray these test explaine someting, an something simple to fix….
how does this effect the ones inside..I dont know I think everyone has went into hidding..but at this moment I know nothing an understand less.
as I write this I am laying in a hospital bed recovoring from neck surgery, The surgery went according to plan. Yet, I do wish the surgion had given me more information as to whst to expect after I woke up. I couldn’t move my head but slowly that is improving.The surgery I had was called a cervical laminectomy with fussion. This is where bones were removed from my neck and a “cage is put were the place were the bones once were. All the bones in my neck were removed even though before the prosedure there was only suppose to be c7 to t1 but once the sugion seen just how bad the damage to my neck had gotten, that the x-rays didnt accuratly show just how much damage there was that he took c3 to t7. so now as I type this the healing begins. As i said though i wasnt prepared for my arms to be this weak my entire body to be weak or the nubness or how lonf it will take to heal..a year
You would think after all these years, I would be done with flashbacks an “body memories”…
Ahh, but no…tonight the past comes calling. Reminding me what hapend long ago. Somehow, I’m just accept that yet again is happening. But with the exception of some body memories.. I have been fine, but tonight I get pictures, flashbacks the bedroom window. Why, now? whats the point? it’s over..it is over for goodness sake. When do I quit paying?…I guess when you do this, you always pay…an pay.
It is as if this surgery has awakened all those inside who where sleeping, hidden or otherwise unknown to me. As if Pandora’s Box has been opened. There has been such chaos. There is new insiders, or at lest new to me. The switching as been such I am having trouble just dealing with the day to day things of life. But I did get some ideas from a friend, an so I will work on trying to get some inside to a place where they feel safe an maybe even a place where they like being. A place with toys and games an maybe even another place with a park or garden. These places are just ideas that are coming to me as I write this. I know this sentence is getting old for any who read this..but I so need my old therapist now..so badly. I would give anything if she were here. I know my “new” therapist tries, but she is so different, and I try not to compare the two, it isn’t fair to her or to me, I just wish she was a little more educated about DID. But as far as she is concerned I don’t know how to feel. Honestly…part of me wants to quit therapy all together, an then another part of me wants to find a corner there curl up in it an just hide.
With how things are now, it is hard to know what is from the surgery and what is from the switching. I can’t remember from day to day, at times, hour to hour.I just want to make it all stop, but all I have tried has failed. It bothers me the need of wanting to curl up in the corner. Boy what a sharp contrast to the other. The wanting to cut. I am not sure why the cutting of my arms is so vital, yet it is so wanted… needed. I hear “but it feels so good” It would almost seem like it isn’t cutting at all but a gift if you will, a pleasure. At this point, even though it has been a long time since I have cut I am seriously thinking of giving in. I know this isn’t the best option, but at this point it is worth doing just to get some peace from at least one thing .
As if I don’t have enough going on, my implanted baclofen device has to be operated on again, it has broke free from its “pouch” and moves about. Having the pump move, makes it likely for it to become detached from it’s catheter that is attached to my spinal cord. I am hoping to have a date set to have it repaired soon.
All I know is..I am so ready for something good to happen.